I was awakened this Christmas morning a little after four, not by the sound of reindeer hooves on the roof, as you might expect, since I've been such a good boy this year, but of police sirens out in front of my house!  Two patrol cars and the paddy wagon! 

Ah, Christmas in Dot!

Nothing too serious, as it turns out.  Seems there was an abandoned car blocking the street.  They were out there for about twenty minutes checking it out, though.  Then they just up and left.  The car's still there. 

Well, too much excitement for me.  Couldn't get back to sleep.  Switched on the TV.  Thank God for cable, right?  Remember the days when you switched on the TV at 4 a.m. and all you got was that test screen? 

I could watch that for hours. 

But no more.  Now you get infomercials.  Bo-o-o-ring.

Sometimes you get lucky and there's a bowflex one on.  No such luck this morning.  There was one of those mock talk-shows for a product called "extenZe," which is supposed to make what they kept calling "that certain part of a man's body" bigger. 

Now, I know you can say "penis" on TV.  In fact, Bad Santa was on Comedy Central last night, and they didn't even bleep it out when that dwarf calls Billy-Bob Thornton a "dick." So, were they just being coyly, cleverly euphemistic, or were they talking about making some other part bigger? Is there some other part of a man's body everybody in this infomercial agrees can never be too big that I'm not aware of? Hmm. Big, strong, healthy teeth are attractive, evolutionarily speaking. Chicks dig dudes with the big blinding white choppers. Could that be what they were banging on about?

I'll admit I was transfixed for fifteen or twenty minutes waiting to find out what "that certain part of a man's body" was.  I never did.

Finally I switched to CNN, where I saw that James Brown has died.  Hmm.  I don't feel so good. 

I got up and made myself a cup of coffee, and thought about what I was going to do all day.  How can I celebrate the birth of baby Jesus and mourn the passing of the Godfather of Soul all on the same day—this will be my dilemma from here on out, because from now on these two events will forever be entwined in my heart and mind. 

I'll tell you a secret.  Whenever I'm feeling a little down—when somebody you thought was immortal, like James Brown, dies, for instance—or you hear that someone you thought had died years ago, like Nina Simone, finally has—I go straight to Craig's List.  It is a salve to my aching soul.


Talk about human comfort.  Not even six a.m. Christmas morning and already nearly a hundred posts filed under "casual encounters"!  If you're a little sad about being alone on Christmas but not sad enough and would rather be suicidal—I mean, why be sad on a day like today when you could easily be suicidal—live a little!--try a craigslist anonymous hook-up!  That should do the trick.

There's "cocksucker looking to drain cock - m4m - 47," from Lawrence, a real charmer, whose seductive ad reads: "you be disease free and able to host. I suck swallow and go no bs no recip."  He's a giver.  A real Secret Santa. Or if you're a couple looking for a third, there's "x-mas fun, im naked and have rope/duct-tape...any ideas? - m4mm - 34."

Or, for the ladies, here's one: "Lets play santa ladies you be the stocking...and I'll stuff ya." If that's a little too blue for your blue Christmas, here's a sensitive lad: "I cannot seem to fall asleep - m4w - 24," who wants a gal to come out to Malden, "put my head in your lap, and rub my hair softly while humming to me..."
 
That fellow should try "Tenderness and passion - w4m - 31," who writes: "I have all the 1-minute action I want at home. I need a man to be tender and passionate, I'm pretty sure you browse those ads because like me you lack both passion and tenderness. What turns me on is not a playboy stud with a one foot tool who can last all night, no, what turns me on is a tender man who likes to kiss passionately and caress and be caressed. I am not looking for a free meal either, a simple cup of coffee will suffice."  (She's obviously a lady.)      

Ah, the spirit of Christmas!  So many good folks out there ready to give!  And they're but a mouse-click away!  These days you don't ever have to be lonely!

But I think I'm just going to have another cup of coffee, myself, put on "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag," and just totally funk out.  When I close my eyes I can see ol' James Brown and Jesus getting their groove on in Heaven:

He's doing the Jerk
He's doing the Fly
Don't play him cheap
'cause you know he ain't shy
He's doing the Monkey, the Mashed Potatoes,
Jump back Jack,
See you later alligator.