Cholesterol King...or Queen?
I visited my doctor today for a routine check-up, and for the results of my cholesterol test, which I was all excited about.
She was like, "wtf? You're perfect."
I'm like, "yeah. And? I mean, I didn't bicycle all the way here in the rain to hear what I already knew, doc."
She's like, "dude"—my doctor is, like, twelve—India's answer to Doogie Howser—"your Total Blood Cholesterol Level is 158 MG/DL. If you're under 200 you're low risk. Dude, you are so totally gellin'."
That's not all. My LDL (that's bad cholesterol) is 78. Less than 100 is optimal. What's beyond optimal? Superoptimal?
My triglyceride's at 79. Triglyceride's a kind of fat. Normal is less than 150 mg/dL.
(I was supposed to get a subcutaneous booster shot later, and the nurse was looking for someplace in the region of my triceps to poke me. She was like, "you're not very fleshy, are you?" I was like, "that's not the first word in my online personal ad, no." She was like, "then it'll have to be intramuscular." I was like, "yeah, baby, stick it to me!")
But here's the capper, ma peeps. My HDL—that's GOOD cholesterol, y'all—is freakin'60. It's unheard of.
I was getting all excited. I started telling my doc about the online IQ test I'd taken recently—
"50-60 is actually just normal," she interrupted, adding a pregnant pause. "For a woman."
It took a minute to sink in.
"Oh my God, doc. Does that mean I'm..."
I'm thinking maybe I need to stop exercising altogether, start eating way more saturated fats, take up smoking again.
Get that good cholesterol back down to a manly 40 or so.
Don't you do a thing to screw up that hot body of yours. Your blessed with good genes - unlike Moi who lives on practically a diet of sticks and stones and Lipitor and STILL can't get his Cholesterol down.
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Dude, low HDL is bad. Higher (over 60) is good. Your HDL needs to go up. You're nearly dead!
"HDL cholesterol of 60 mg/dL or higher gives some protection against heart disease."
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Appreciate the concern, SE!
In the interest of strict accuracy, to quote the entire passage from the American Heart Association website: So I am safely average, it seems, when gender as a factor is left out.
A note: while, apparently, HDL levels can reach 100 mg/dL, in the literature I surveyed greater than or equal to 60 mg/dL seems to be universally considered "high".
As regular readers of this blog know by now, I do tend to get carried away with myself on occasion.
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Mike, I some how have always known that, like Mary Poppins, you are very nearly perfect in every way. I got a good report card myself recently. I owe it all to you for turning me on to our beautifully cheap gym. Of course not eating everything I can get my nasty little paws on helps too.
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Yeah that's the ticket. "Not eating everything I can get my nasty little paws on" Hmmmmmmmm.....I remember a hamburger one time.....LOLOL
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