I'm sorry if I can't get all up in arms about the Senator Craig "scandal." But, to be honest, I just can't find an angle.

I mean, "Politician is a Liar"? Um, and?

"A Cheat?" Yawn.

How about "A Hypocrite"? No way! Are you serious?

I will say this. Watching him protest his gayness, I thought, Senator, you need to get a life.

And, America: get a clue.

To be gay is not as easy as figuring out that (a) guys take out their dicks in public restrooms, and (b) whenever guys take out their dicks in public, there's a chance they'll be up for having them sucked.

I mean, I guess it's a start, but...

Duh.

News Flash: Guys Like to Have Their Dicks Sucked!

Now, I'll be the first to say that fellatio is an art-form. But there are plenty of non-artists who can do it competently enough in a jam (or in the bushes or a toilet stall). I guess the question is, does sucking cock, especially in the age of the bro-job, make you gay? (I mean, if you're a guy, of course—though it probably turns some girls gay, too.)

If recent developments in porn reflect reality at all (or if—more likely—reality has begun to reflect recent developments in porn)...


... being gay is not merely an enthusiasm for oral sex or sodomy, or even an earnest affection for anilinction. It's not enough to tap-dance in the toilet, or go through the elaborate rites of arranging an inter-stall tryst with a nameless, faceless stranger. Not enough to get totally wasted and make passionate straight love to your straight college roommate.

None of this will make you gay. That just makes you horny, desperate, and cheap.

Hey, we've all been there.

But to be gay is to take it to a whole nutha level. Ignorant people have some idea that we'll take anyone. Craig's pathetic protestations indicate that he believes he has the final say in whether or not he's gay. Sorry, Senator, but we don't want you. 

You and your toe-tapping, primitive hand-signals, and burpy blowjobs can stay in your toilet stall.  You couldn't get into our club if you were on your knees on a lead with matching Louis Vuitton diamond-studded collar and muzzle and a rubber fist up your ass, whimpering like the little bitch you are.

Certification is no simple matter, Senator. It's not like some religions, where just anyone can join, and all you have to do is say "I'm gay! Hallelujah!" and get sprinkled with a little fairy dust while the choir sings "I Will Survive!" Though that's how it's portrayed in the popular media.

Would that it were that easy. I mean, is any jackass in a lab coat with a stethoscope dangling from his neck and some tongue depressors in his pocket who says he's a doctor a doctor?

There's a manual the size of the New York City phone book to study for starters. Do you know what "abseiling" is, Senator? Are you a "mitten queen" or a "fluter"? what's the "ultimate insult"? Do you wash your face with soap or a facial cleanser? (By the looks of it, probably a Brillo pad.)

Sometimes gays themselves forget what an arduous path to gayness it's been. A typical gay reaction to Craig's "Let me be clear: I am not gay. I never have been gay," is to roll our eyes and say, "yeah, and I'm the Virgin Mary."

But the truth is, Craig's right. He's not gay. He's not brave enough, big enough, bold enough or fab enough to be gay. He's not that evolved.

By the sounds of it, he's nothing more than a garden variety cocksucker.