I got my usual quota of Nigerian Scam emails today.  Usually I just send them a polite "no thank you," but one stuck out, for some reason. From a certain Casandra Kumasu.

In the subject line, the simple, understated "from Casandra" intrigued me.

My interest was piqued immediately, if only for the sly irony in the name. Cassandra, in Greek mythology, was a daughter of Priam, King of Troy, and a prophetess whom Apollo cursed for spurning him. Apollo's curse was deliciously wicked: Cassandra would not lose the gift of prophecy, but no one would ever believe her.

This had very bad consequences during the war for which Troy is famed. Cassandra foresaw the whole thing, and knew it would end in tears, but, alas, no one believed her. Oops. Dissed the wrong god, dincha?

After the sacking of Troy, Cassandra had all sorts of nasty and sordid adventures, among them, her ravishment by the big, meaty Ajax (depicted here by Solomon Joseph Solomon)...


Oy, we should all be so lucky. (And he was among the runtier of the Achaeans.)

(Oh, and fear not, gentle readers. Ajax was punished for his crime—not so much for stealing Cassandra, though, as for stealing her away from Athena's Temple where she had gone to supplicate, thus offending the goddess. Poseidon smashed up his ship, struck him with a lightning bolt and impaled him on a rock. I'm telling you, these gods don't mess around.)

Anyway, a "cassandra" nowadays is still someone who prophesies doom, but whom no one believes. But I also think it's a great drag name. Think Al Gore in a black Phillip Lim mini dress.

And the email was pretty queeny, I have to say (I've left all punctuation and spelling as I found it):

FROM : Casandra Kumasu.
Abidjan, Cote d'ivoire.

I pray that this email reaches you in the best of health.

Dearest One,

I Miss Casandra intend to invest in your country.

There is this amount of US $10 million 700hundred thousand Dollars (Ten million seven hundred thousand United State Dollars) which my late father kept for me in the Bank here in Abidjan before his untimely death in a plane clash. my father was a highly reputable busnness man He was the Director General National Gold and Diamond Mining Corporation of Sierra-Leone. who died on the 25th day of december 2003 in a plane clash on his visit to Benin. News Web Site For The Plane Clash.

www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/12/26/benin.crash/index.html

Now I have decided to invest these money in your country or anywhere safe enough outside Africa as my father told me to do.

I want you to help me transfer and invest this fund in your country for investment purposes.

If you can be of a sincere assistance to me ,please do get back to me for more intimate details.

I await your soonest response.

Kind regards,

Miss Casandra Kumasu.

I like all the little touches. "I Miss Cassandra..." and "Please do get back to me for more intimate details" (all that's needed there is a "dahlink"). And then there's the poignant attempt at verisimilitude, with the CNN article.

I could not resist writing back:

Dearest Miss Casandra,

Your story touched me greatly, to the very core of my being, especially as I myself lost both my beloved parents in the same tragic Christmas Day plane crash in which you lost your dear father! It is such a strange coincidence, I cannot help but think that some greater fate draws us together now.

While my parents' untimely demise has left me and my darling Pomeranians Trey, Blanch and Sweet-heart (I have attached a photo of my babies for you to see)...

... very well-off indeed, and certainly not in any need of additional funds, I am sympathetic to your plight. I used to be quite selfish and spoilt, but it won't surprise you to know that I have dedicated much of my time since being orphaned to other orphans, like ourselves.

I feel that this is my calling. And while it is hard to leave my babies (I wish they wouldn't cry so!) when I go off to the orphanage, I feel that I owe the sacrifice of at least an hour or two a month to the little wanderers. "We orphans must stick together," I always tell them. "Orphan Power!"

I don't mean to pry, but I must ask you, dear Casandra, before we venture any further, and I know I can trust you to be honest with me: is 10.7 million all your dear father left you? As Director General of the National Gold and Diamond Mining Corporation of Sierra-Leone it seems low. My father was only a consultant, and left several times that. Did your dear father have a mistress? It might be worth investigating, you know. Get what you're owed.

I must sign off soon, as it's almost tea time and Sammy and the Lindas are due any minute. They're such a riot, the filthy rich! The Lindas speak Finnish and say the nastiest things about the help right in front of them! I've told them they simply must stop or I'll sic my babies on them, but I'm afraid it's not much of a threat. I'm always giggling like mad when I say it!

I can't wait to share news of my new pen-pal with them.  You simply must share some of those intimate details you threatened to in your email!  I'm so curious about you, already!  Who's your favorite shoe designer?  Where are your vacation homes?  Have you ever kissed another girl? 

And you simply must send a picture I can use as my screen-saver. I have many adopted orphans in Africa, and they are all my little screen-savers, and I do love them so, each and every one of them! And soon, when we get your funds all invested, you can come visit, and we'll teach you a few words in Finnish, too! "Saatanan runkkari!" Oh, it'll be such fun!

Until then, dear, dear one,
Kisses!

Your Ever Faithful,

Ajax Abeksee-McGuise III