Dear Ajax Abeksee-McGuise III,

Thanks for your mail and understanding, How are yuou are today i hope you are ok and doing fine ? I am so happy to hear from you. I thank you for all that you have said. I will want you to know that i have sufareed so much here in this country that o do not ever want to know if my late father has more than when i know as my own. Now i need to get this fund transferred that is the must reason why i contacted you on that matter.

 

Please i will want you to get back to me so i will let you know on how we are to proceed on this very matter. I will visit the bank where this fund was deposited today and and inform them of my readiness to get this fund transferred out of this very country. In my next mail i will send to you my picture so you will know whom you are dealing with. I will also want you to send yours to me ok.  Bye fpr now i will be expecting to hear from you.

 

Please send to me your phone number so i can call you ok.

 

Thanks Yours,

 

Casandra.

Darling Cassy (that's what I'm calling you from now on, dear!  If you're going to be in my posse, you've got to have a little nicky-name!)—

Don't be such a crashing bore.  Are you always so excitable that you can't type without all these silly typos?  "Sufareed"?  Who's ever heard of such a silly word?  No more caffeine for you!  Call me the caffeine Nazi LOL!

May I be frank with you Cass?  I know I may, we are such friends already.  I must tell you, your latest missive was a tad something-or-other—I don't quite know what.  I get all sorts of emails every day, many from Nigeria and thereabouts, and each demands my immediate attention.  You don't simply get to jump to the head of the line, you know, just because you have a sob story.  People die in  plane crashes all the time, dear.  It's been four years.  Time to move on.

And another thing I find, I don't know, vexing, I suppose you could say (or "whaexcinkgh" as you might spell it):  you act as if it's a hundred million dollars we're talking about when it's only ten.  I should jump up immediately and start hyperventilating for you because you've all the sudden decided you want to invest some pocket change?  Well, it isn't difficult to invest ten million dollars, darling.  And you certainly don't need me for it.

I would expect someone of your breeding to know that.  I mean, you didn't grow up in a dumbbell tenement or a shanty or a mobile home, did you?  I didn't think so.  Stop acting like it.  I'm sorry if I'm being too direct, but that's a privilege of having more money than you do.

But you do have more than many.  And you should always remember that we, the privileged, for whom the wretched of the earth must suffer, are under a great burden to enjoy our wealth as wantonly as we can, lest the wretched be wretched in vain.  They suffer so for our enjoyment.  We must enjoy! 

And that means no more awful, tedious emails like this last one, dear.  If you must have someone take dictation in order to make it intelligible, do.  And try to be more interesting and conversational.  People invest money every day.  It's not a big deal.  Certainly not enough to bore someone to death over it.

Let's have some fun, dear Cassy!  Shall we?  Oh, let's do!  I noticed that today you are writing from France. At least your email address ends in that cute little "fr", when yesterday it ended in a serious little "jp"! You certainly do get around.  I am glad to see it—you cannot let your grief cripple you.  International travel is the antidote!  (But please choose one address, my love, to ensure that you don't get chucked out with the spam.  We wouldn't want that, now, would we?)

Anyway, yesterday when I told them you were writing from Cote d'ivoire by way of Japan, Sammy and the Lindas suggested that we all meet up in Tokyo next Tuesday, and I have already booked my flight!  Please book yours, too!  It will be such fun!  We will be staying at the brand new Ritz-Carlton (Tokyo Midtown 9-7-5 Akasaka, Minato-Ku, Tokyo, 1076245) through Friday, unless we grow terribly bored before then.

Call to the hotel as soon as you arrive and ask for my room, and we'll all come stumbling right down to the lobby to meet you, no matter how drunk and high we are!

Please don't be offended that I am not offering my phone number, dear.  Of course, someone of my stature doesn't just give out his phone number to every African orphan who toddles along, darling. Only ones we take a special liking to! (As Jean Anouilh once said, "One cannot weep for the entire world, it is beyond human strength. One must choose."—and we, the wealthy, must choose especially carefully, mustn't we?)

So, let's agree to meet at the Ritz in Tokyo next Tuesday, and we can arrange your boring little investment over sake.  It should take about three minutes, and then you can shut up about it and lick my rice-balls LOL!

See you soon, Dearest Cassy!

Kisses!

Ajax