What did people do before Craig's List? What was the world like?

We've been looking for a new housemate here at Seven Hills, and have gone down the CL rabbit hole to find one. Never a dull moment since we posted.

We've actually already had one round of interviews, which require that all of us be present — an occurrence rarer than an armadillo in New Athens — to grill the prospective roomie. Only two of us actually interrogate them (one in an Obama mask, the other wearing a Hillary one — the ol' good cop/bad cop routine), while the others watch behind a two-way glass. If you make it past this part, there's a little waterboarding (hey, it's legal), and then, if we have more than one we want there's a Dance Dance Revolution Death Match to settle it.

As you'd imagine, the process can be daunting.

Our challenges are somewhat unique. First of all, it's a very reasonably-priced room literally a hop, skip, and a jump from Davis Square where Somerville's jet set comes to play. I sometimes think we should lie about the rent. It's a Victorian-era house and the rent's about that, too. And while that's quite an opportunity for the right applicant, it does tend to attract some real Dickensian characters. Orphans and chimney sweeps and hard-luck cases dying of consumption with names like Little Nel and Pecksniff and Pumblechook.

There's a lot of interest in the place, at any rate, and it's no easy thing to vet applicants, even with DDR. So it's always a pleasure when one comes along you don't even have to give a second thought to. I don't know what the others use as criteria to disqualify applicants, but when I'm the one doing the initial vetting, which I am at this point, it's easy and fun!

See, I have a scoring system.  I don't want to reveal the details, but everyone starts with 100 points, and minor points are deducted for things like typos, bad spelling and punctuation, texting abbreviations, emoticons, and statements in the imperative.  It sounds picky, I know, but you've got to draw the line somewhere.

The following is an abbreviated list of what'll get you vetted out completely:

• ANSWERING THE AD IN ALL CAPS
  
• Using multiple exclamation marks anywhere in your email (emoticons are, unfortunately, unavoidable, and OK so long as you don't use any with tongues)
• Revealing that rollerblading is one of your three hobbies
  
• Complicated requests, or, really, any requests at all, ever
• Sheer, undisguised desperation
  
• Not enough information
  
• Too much Information
  
• Unsavory disclosures mandated by law

In this last category, I received a reply I wanted to share. It's really a work of art, such a textbook case of how not to answer an ad for a room, that I post it here, with appropriate annotation, as a public service.


"URGENT" = GAME OVER. But he goes on:

Hello there. My name is XXX and I currently live in XXX Massachusetts .....my roomates sister had her kids taken away and my roomie is the next of kin so she has kindly asked me to move as she will need room for 2 little girls so I need to move ASAP so these poor kids will have a decent place to live...they deserve it!!

It's already a cast of thousands. A CL version of Les Mizz. But he's just getting warmed up here...

right now I am willing to move ANYWHERE in MASSACHUSETTS.Of course I would rather find a place "close" to home here but I also keep thinking that a cahnge might be a great thing!!I dont currently have a car but the bus is just fine.Im used to getting around walking just as well also. .

I'm struggling to see what's in it for me.  You've already warned me that you intend to inconvenience me, and now you're telling me that we're not really optimal for you, either — it'd be better if we could provide you with transportation — but you might be able to make do with us. 

Next he gets around to references:

My roomie that I have now took a chance with me and says Im the best roomate shes EVER had.She would tell you Im quiet,clean,dont have dumpy friends and I RESPECT those that are around me.Ive been here I think about a year and not one problem has risen in the ENTIRE time Ive been here.

But in case this stellar reference isn't enough to convince me, he assures me (after more pleas for patience and acceptance — "Right now things are REALLY tough!! Im just asking PLEASE for a chance that not many people dont want to give.") he understands what goes into being a good housemate:

I dont party(except perhaps on a holiday or a very boring Friday night. :) and have only have a few people that would be stopping by for a quick beer(on RARE occasion) or maybe a movie.

And if that's not scary enough, it gets scarier.

I am 44 years old..an "OFFENSE" happened in 1987 about 20 years ago!! I was just a 19 year old kid and I dated a 15 year old girl.The only reason I was convicted was the underage issue...this was NOT some vicious cold hearted crime. Ive got to be completely honest and inform you that I am a registered sex offender.This has caused me to be UNable to find sufficient housing.I got the minimum penalty the law allowed as she came forward and explained that the relationship was consentual so it was a STATUARY crime.

Dude raped a statue.  How can sex with a fifteen year old statue be consensual? 

We actually had a 3 year VERY loving relationship before this all came about! Yes,unfortunately she was just about to turn 18 when it happened. She even begged me to stay with her after all the legal issues were out of the way.So I HOPE you have an open mind and can see it for what it is.

Well, that all sounds reasonable enough.  When I was telling one of my housemates — the one who's leaving — about the email, he started arguing with me about how the age of consent is arbitrary, and he'd had a relationship with a fifteen year old when he was seventeen.  I'm like, whatever, dude.  I'm not living with a registered sex offender.  He's like, be careful how you answer him.  I'm like, dude, I'm not going to answer him.  I was like, are you on crack today? Is today your crack day?  He's like, well, you can't discriminate. 

I got the feeling he thought the way it works is, if the applicant lists their race or gender, for example, you have to automatically give them the room, because not to do so would be discrimination on the basis of whatever "protected class" they mentioned.  I don't think that's how it is.  (And by the way, dude: DAVID BOWIE DOES NOT HAVE A GLASS EYE!)

That got me a little curious, though, I have to admit. CL warns you to "avoid phrases which could be interpreted as discriminating by race/color/origin (e.g. 'hispanic area'), religion (e.g. 'christian home'), age / familial status (e.g. 'no kids'), disability, or sexual orientation," but they don't say anything about statuary rapists.  A little research revealed that registered sex offenders are not a "protected class".  According to Massachusetts' fair housing laws discrimination is prohibited on the basis of:

race, religious creed, color, national origin, sex, sexual orientation, which shall not include persons whose sexual orientation involves minor children as the sex object, age, ancestry, or marital status or because such person is a veteran or member of the armed forces, or because such person is blind, or hearing impaired or has any other handicap, or because such a person possesses a trained dog guide as a consequence of blindness, or hearing impairment (Mass. Gen. Law Chapter 151B).

(The contradictions and complexity of fair housing laws is covered in this recent article in the Times.)

Beyond the sex offender drama, the applicant had other issues...

I currently have 2 ruptured disks in my lower back that need an operation.I also have torn all the ligaments in my right hand and have an expected heal time of 6-8 months. I collect SSI so its POSITIVE PERMANANT income and its obviously guranteed so there would NEVE be a problem with payments.

My dream housemate.  A middle-aged registered sex offender on the dole, who despite his disabilities is "very mellow and quiet and I enjoy all outdoor things like hiking,biking,swimming,tanning,rollerblading and just about ANYTHING outdoors."  Tanning?  Rollerblading?

So....thats the basic story.Can you find it in your heart to give me a chance?I need to be gone from here by the 1st.Im sure my roomie would be more than happy to talk with you if you like but I really think that I completed my punishment 20 years ago and although the registration law "MAY" provide some sense of comfort for society,,,it really hasnt accomplshed anything exept for to RE punish guyz like me that made a mistake as a kid and Im paying for it twice 20 years later and its NOT deserved. So..please think very carefully while you consider and I can promise you I would be the quietest and most frindly tenant you will find.

Well, I'm sold.

Only problem is, we have some attractive statuary in the backyard.  A very svelte concrete angel.  I think she's only ten or twelve years old.  I don't know if I would want to put her at risk, or tempt a convicted statuary rapist with her. 

I have this hunch it's best not to.