Now that Hillary's lost another big state — oops, wait a minute — she won? By ten points? But she still lost? Dang! Now, I'm no feminist, but this smacks of Ginger Rogers backwards, and in high heels. Credit where due. Obama outspent her two to one, and she still thrashed him. A win's a win, bitches.

But it's already clear that if Hillary doesn't drop out RIGHT THIS MINUTE, she alone will bear responsibility for Obama's defeat in the Fall, and thus all the doom and destruction that is sure to follow. Actually, she holds the fate of the earth in her greedy craw. She is the Whore of Babylon! Shiva The Destroyer!

A thousand years from now, after every physical trace of our civilization has been obliterated on the Last American President John McCain's watch, and only the oral history remains, the Grendel of our age will be the Hillary Monster.

If only our Beowulf weren't such an elitist pansy! The bitch bowled a 37, for the love of God! Talk about gutter politics!  A 37!  Is that even possible? I didn't think that was possible.  And he looked like Steve Urkel in those bowling shoes.  I hope to God people don't start tossing bowling balls at him like they kept beaning Kerry with footballs everywhere he went to mock his JFK (the other JFK) pretensions...


It's not Obama's fault he can't bowl (but a 37?  For real??) nor is it necessarily to his detriment, although the Obama campaign might consider employing stunt doubles for plebian assignments like this in the future.  He's a good sport, anyway.  Can't be too hard on him. 

But that Hillary.   

She's worse than Nader.  It's all on her now. After all, if she hadn't personally unploaded those Jeremiah Wright videos onto youtube no one would even have noticed (she was just bent out of shape that Rev. Wright pointed out she "ain't never been called a nigger," which I guess trumps "bitch"). 

And how about her handing out transcripts of that secret San Francisco fundraiser to her minions in the media? She went to Kinko's herself and printed that shit up!  On twenty-four pound paper!  That's 8¢ a copy, and she's not made of money!

And then slipping Obama a downer just before the last televised debate?  It's reprehensible! 

If not for her dirty tricks, he would be the nominee by now. It's all her fault! Hillary The Destroyer! She'll stop at nothing! We're doomed, I tell you! DOOOOOOOMED!!!

The press is looking for the smoking gun in Pennsylvania. How did that old She-Devil vanquish our Enlightened Prince? What manner of black magic from her bag of gore had she unleashed on him? But hadn't our boddhisatva prophesied his Pennsylvania drubbing?  If we had only listened, we would have understood.  He foretold it all. Just like he said, racist, gun-toting religious fanatics undermined him there.  And now the poison is spreading.  If you're not a racist yet, you're starting to worry that everyone else might just be. 

The race explanation for Obama's lackluster performance of late may be partly true — or rather, part of a much more complex truth — but it still addresses Candidate Obama as an abstraction. There's a lot of talk of what he represents and why it's so scary for older (presumably white) voters, who, according to an Obama senior political adviser, show a "general inclination ... to vote for what is more familiar," adding: “Here’s a guy named Barack Obama, an African-American guy, relatively new. That’s a lot of change.”

But "older voters" ain't what they used to be.  We're talking the smarty-pants Boomer generation here, after all.  It may surprise you to know that a lot of "older" people are pretty accustomed to "a lot of change," having lived through over a half century of possibly the most rapidly changing landscape, cultural and otherwise, in the history of the species. 

Couldn't it also be that some people just don't like what they have seen of the man, himself? Some may even like his opponent on her own merits as a personality, and not primarily because of her race or gender.  After all, voting for a woman for President is a pretty radical departure itself for these rural mole people who have apparently lived their lives in utter darkness without access to Oprah, Jerry Springer, or the internets, huddled in their underground dwellings clinging to their Bibles and guns.

The reductionist explanation of race doesn't address the myriad and valid issues voters may have with Obama.  And further, the assumption on the part of the Obama campaign seems to be that, all else being equal, there's no reason but racism not to choose him over his opponent, whom, it then stands to reason, there's no reason to choose but racism. 

But for those of us who didn't drink the Obama Kool-Aid, opting not to project our every hope onto the blank screen of a would-be demagogue, and instead hung back a bit and waited for the man behind the ready-made myth to emerge, his performance in debates has been uninspiring.  As the campaign marches on he has pandered and plagiarized, sulked and snarked right along with the rest of them.  And if the best he can do is blame his opponent for forcing him to abandon his principles, and insinuate that a vote for Hillary is tantamount to racism, then maybe he should take up pro bowling instead of Presidential politics. He's got about as good a chance of winning in the Fall.

But what I find really curious at this point in the game is the one obvious question the media aren't asking, the one Obama's scared to death they're going to:  WHO ARE THE ALIENS BACKING? After all, they're the original Superdelegates. And I think we know why the media isn't asking, don't we? The Clintons' ties to the Aliens go way back. Remember this?...
And why do you think they adopted that Alien baby?...

Once again, the vast media conspiracy rears it's head.  The truth is out there, of course.  Can you handle it?  Because, you know what's really fucked up?  (SPOILER ALERT!) Obama is that alien baby.  I'm not at liberty to divulge my sources, but think about it...

It all makes sense now, doesn't it?