My admiration for Virginia Governor Tim Kaine's eyebrows is no secret. I have rhapsodized about them in the past. And I'm certainly not the only one who has noticed their remarkable agility (see here, here, and here, for just a few reactions).

Now he's being talked about as a possible running mate for Obama. There are problems with Kaine, of course. Gays don't like him because he's anti-marriage-equality (but then so is Obama*, bitches, despite multi-orgasmic gay endorsements from the likes of Andrew Sullivan). Abortionistas out there might argue with his "faith-based opposition to abortion," although he has never proposed banning it and the Democrats as a party are moving towards an emphasis on prevention. Liberals in general are suspicious of faith-based rhetoric, but here again, Kaine is cut from essentially the same cloth as Obama.

But it's really Kaine's eyebrows that clinch the deal for me. And if eyebrows are a factor, I might also suggest Obama put Stephen Colbert, Seann William Scott, Ian Somerhalder, and Colin Farrel on his short list.   I mean, Obama-Farrel '08?  Unbeatable.  Think Miami Vice II: Together We Can! 

But Kaine would work, too, on more than just the eyebrow front.  Let's face it, this Democratic double act needs a funny man.  As it is, Obama isn't even at half his potential.  Think of Abbot without a Costello,  Hardy without Laurel, Dean Martin without Jerry Lewis.  Obama will only really make sense to the rest of us as a feed for his comic partner in crime. 

Kaine's impish demeanor, emphasized by those agile eyebrows, would be the perfect antidote for Obama's heavy, authoritative eyebrows, and rather narrow range of emotions and facial expressions. 

I mean, here's default Obama:


Then you've got Dreamy Obama:


And Hopey Obama:


And Changey Obama:



Oh, and then there's "She's So Mean!" Obama...


And "I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER" Obama...


It is what it is, but I'm sorry, rangewise: not all that impressive.  Which makes sense, if you stop and think about it.  We wouldn't trust an arbiter of change who himself was too changeable, would we?  Obama's limited expressiveness, his sometimes staccato delivery, have garnered him mostly positive reviews.  It shows he's "cool-headed" and "even-tempered" under fire.

How much of his appeal is due to his limited repertoire of facial expressions?  How much of it is due to his inability to effectively arch an eyebrow? 

Some people think of eyebrows as just two silly old patches of fur that keep sweat out of your eyes.  Not so! In their 1999 paper, "Attribution of social dominance and maleness to schematic faces" Senior, Barnes, Jenkins, Landau, et al, confirmed Campbell, Wallace and Benson's 1996 findings that

one of the most reliable sources of sex information in the face is the pupil-to-eyebrow distance, which is shorter in females. Primate studies suggest that the evolutionary benefits from eyebrow size and position are that they act as a protective mechanism for the eyes when engaged in a dispute.

Evidence from experiments on social dominance in humans support this: individuals who are perceived to be dominant have a lower eyebrow position than less dominant faces.

Kaine's arched, more effeminate eyebrows, might be a good Hillary-substitute.  However it turns out, Obama should not ignore physiognomy in his choice of running mate.  Eyebrow voters could swing this election. 


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*Obama has said: "I'm a Christian. And so, although I try not to have my religious beliefs dominate or determine my political views on this issue, I do believe that tradition, and my religious beliefs say that marriage is something sanctified between a man and a woman." He states on his website: "I personally believe that civil unions represent the best way to secure [equality]." That doesn't make him exactly medieval on the question of marriage, but he probably doesn't deserve a big gay blowjob for it, either. Kaine opposed an amendment to the Virginia Constitution defining marriage as that between one man and one woman, but has publicly stated he personally opposes same-sex marriage. Essentially the same stance Obama's taken.