As many of you know, I am an avid reader of Missed Connections on Craigslist, where I have, on rare occasions, posted my own cry in the darkness of the heartless void of Boston, and even once met someone who who had erroneously (or nefariously) answered my strangled plea for connectivity.  I would gladly have gone home with him if he'd been even remotely shagable.  To be honest, I'm not that picky.  You don't have to be the specific missed connection.  You just have to be somewhat shagable.  At least a three on the Ajax-Flewelling Shagability Scale.  It's not a lot to ask.

I haven't played Missed Connections since that disappointing loss, but I still like it as a spectator sport.  It gives you a glimpse into the inner dialogue, the secret struggles of the city itself.  In real time, no less.  All the loneliness and isolation, the desperation and despondency laid bare for the world to see.  You're never alone in cyberspace.  There's hope in shared despair. 

As a member in good standing at Boston Sports Club (BSC) in Davis Square, I always read the BSC missed connections with special interest.  While there are usually several a day, I've hardly ever seen a posting for the Davis Square location.  Most are from the South End BSC, easily the gayest gym in Boston.  It's self-policing, I guess you might say. 

And then every weekend there's a spate of Missed Connections from another South End establishment that caters to the gay glitterati: Club Cafe.  These two — the South End BSC and Club Cafe — account for the preponderance of M4M missed connections in Boston. 

It does make you wonder why it's so hard to connect in places seemingly designed for precisely that purpose.  But if you step back and think about it, it makes sense that it wouldn't get easier for gays to connect when there are more of them in the room.  In fact, once you establish that everyone in the room is gay, things get much more complicated.  When everyone is gay, just being gay is no longer enough to connect you to others who are gay.

It's frustrating, but it's an age-old reality: there are social checks and balances that come into play.  And that's what's clearly happening at Club Cafe.  You go there with your posse, or connect with your clique.  And sure, there are cute guys outside of your social circle, but unless they're in an overlapping circle, there's no real point in busting out and making contact right then and there.  I mean, do you really want people you know to know who you're fucking? 

Club Cafe is Boston's answer to the Théâtre des Italiens or the Variétés we read about in Balzac. It's not a hook-up bar.  It's where you go to represent.  Who you're seen with and who sees you with them will have consequences on down the line for your social fortunes.  I don't go out clubbing too often, but every time I do I know I'll have to pay for past mistakes.  It doesn't matter if it was five days ago or five years, a stain's a stain.

It's just a fact of Boston's gay ecosystem: everybody has slept with somebody who has slept with me.  And by that I mean that my ex has slept with pretty much everyone in Boston at one time or another.

If there's one I've kept to myself, he'll start making inquiries until he has discovered who it is, and has managed to bag that one, too.  All he needs is a first name — even one as common as, say, John — and if he can get an article of clothing, too, it helps.  For the bloodhounds, obviously.  And then he'll take me out to dinner, drop his name casually between the appetizer and the entrée, and offer a critique. 

It took him a year and a half to find a guy I had dated for three months shortly after our parting of ways, but he never gave up.  True to form, I got a call, and a dinner invitation.  And what did he have to say about "John" once he had finally found him?  "I don't really see you guys together."  Well, thank you for the timely insight.  (It doesn't end there, of course — he'll go on, elaborating all the ways in which he can't see us together until the waiter brings the check.)

But we were talking about Missed Connections, weren't we?  Lately there's been a lively debate in the Missed Connections thread (it's not technically a thread, but sometimes it resembles one) about why so many people fail to connect at places like Club Cafe, which are presumably meant to facilitate and lubricate connections of just the sort that are being missed. 

It started the other day when someone noticed the preponderance of missed connections along the lines of...

We make eye-contact frequently but neither you nor I ever make a move. Tonight you were at the dance-floor bar, dressed in a nicely fitting white and blue striped shirt, tucked-in with jeans. I was opposite of you. You arrived late and I think left early. We usually see one another at Estate—but I have an early meeting so I could not go clubbing. Let me know what I was wearing, and then, please, explain what the hell is going on between us. Later.

... and posted the following:

It seems that every day there are at least one or two missed connections from Club Cafe. Is it just me, or does this strike anyone else as odd?

For one thing, Club Cafe is not as busy as it used to be. I guess with everyone moving out of the South End, this is bound to happen. Yet it seems EVERYONE is hanging out there but NOBODY is hooking up.

Either [the internet has] totally destroyed everyones ability to converse in person or something else is going on.

A lively exchange ensued. 

We heard from the bitter outsider...

They are all too busy looking down their noses at your attire to strike up a conversation. Its amazing how people will not give you the time of day in a public bar but will wade thru 18 inches of mud in the fens to suck your dick.

...and the bitter insider:

here is an idea.. how bout you just don't go there....then we don't have to listen to you be all drama like.. just a thought...O, and im sure no one is missing out if you are not there..

Then the conspiracist chimed in:

The Clubs post these things themselves believing it will make people think a lot of desirable and available people are hanging out there just waiting to meet someone. DBar also has a laughably large number of missed connection postings.

But the anti-conspiracist (or perhaps the Club Cafe employee paid to post on CL) shouted him down:

TRUST ME CC/D-BAR DO NOT HAVE TO RESORT TO THIS IN AN ATTEMPT TO DRUM UP BUSINESS.  THE REASON THERE ARE SO MANY MC'S FROM CC/D-BAR IS THAT SOME OF YOU DO NOT HAVE THE CONFIDENCE TO APPROACH SOMEONE WHO INTERESTS YOU FACE TO FACE.

A wallflower appeared to confirm this:

Does anyone else feel...hmm....intimidated at Club Cafe? Whenever I've gone there everyone has seemed very unfriendly and closed off. Prove me wrong, fellas!

An oddball clarified:

Intimidated? NO
Like a fish out of water? YES
Seems like the kinda place Clark Rockefeller would hang if he was gay.

And finally an optimist showed up offering sound analysis and practical advice:

The problem with Club Cafe is that people assume it's a beauty pageant. You go there once or twice, and see some borderline attractive guys gossiping, sipping fruity cocktails, and not talking to anyone but their clique. Then you get this notion that it's a snobby, uptight sort of place, and so you only go with your good-looking friends. Then, before you know it, you're gossiping, sipping fruity cocktails, and only talking to your friends. If more people would drop the snobby, uptight facade, and actually dance, and have fun (the whole point of clubs), less people would be shy about talking to other people. Then... we'd have less missed connections regarding club cafe.

When everyone had had their say, a political organizer came along to rally all of the disaffected Missed-Connectors:

So much talk about MISSED CONNECTIONS at CLUB CAFE... So rather than talking and ranting about it, putting the venue down, I came up with an idea to see if people will in fact do it! Therefore, here is the plan.

Saturday August 23, 2008
At Club Cafe go and be merry!
However, lets do it GAY DAYS Orlando-style. WEAR A RED SHIRT.

This will show that you are not one to be "Snobby, Uptight, and Non-Approachable"

You are welcoming and willing to talk to whoever approaches you. This will then show your true colors. We will be wearing the same clothing and showing that you are open to conversations or even just a hello! Try not to assume the person wants to get into your pants, however if they do… then BONUS!

If you are confident enough to do, I will see you there wearing RED!

Remember:
August 23, 2008
Club Cafe
WEAR RED!

SEE YOU THERE!

I have to admit it sounds like a mean practical joke in the offing.  You show up in your Thing 1 shirt...


...and everyone else is in their nicely fitting white and blue striped shirts tucked neatly into their jeans.  As you make your grand entrance they turn and roll their eyes and sneer and snicker. 

"Oh my God!" someone gasps.  "What is it??"

"It's that Missed Connection loser from Orlando," another one titters. 

"Miss Thing is more like it," snarks his friend.

"He probably works as a greeter at Disney World."

If there happens to be a Thing 2 in the house (highly unlikely), might I suggest Burger King on Copley Square for the after-party?

It is what it is, people, is all I'm saying.  I know this is the Obama generation, or whatever, but do we really have to turn everything into a movement we need to wear identical tee-shirts for?  

There are other logistical problems with this plan, anyway, as brought up by another Craigslister:

Is it OK if I wear Red body hugging Abercrombie?

I'm 45. Its all I wear.

There is definitely a potential here for unwanted and inappropriate touching.  A much better idea, proffered shortly after the red-shirt brigade:

I think Guerrilla Queer Bar should take over Club Cafe.

It's a little other-side-of-the-Charles, but it might just work.  For one night, at least.