Looked like a real smash-up out there on Wall Street the first couple days of the week last week.  Thank goodness representatives of the top 5% in the nation's capital reacted with lightening speed to bail themselves out with taxpayers' money.  This is an appropriately riotous last act to the dramedy of the Bush years.  The Broadway musical version could be called A Tale of Two Americas, or The Joke (hint: it was always on us). 

I like The Joke.  The punchline turns out to be: "privatize the gains, socialize the losses."  Yes, it's predictable, but that makes it even funnier, because it underscores the impotence of the average American whining "where's the outrage???"

And Bush was the perfect comedic talent to deliver The Joke.  He deserves an Emmy.  Swept into office on Clinton's wave of prosperity, He promised his constituency "the haves and have-mores" even bigger results.  And he did not disappoint.  There were failures, of course.  Most disappointingly, he was not able to deliver them Social Security.  But his successes were truly staggering.  From The War on Terror to Hurricane Katrina, he provided his constituency a platform to profit from human catastrophe — a way for those who take advantage to add insult to injury. 

As he prepares to head off into the sunset, scot free, he leaves over half the nation's wealth in the hands of the top ten percent.  Those who argue that he was a failure ignore that he accomplished what he set out to do for his constituency.  If a hired gun makes his hit and gets away without consequences, would you call him a failure?  If you hire a team to knock over a bank in broad daylight and they deliver, doesn't that count as a success? 

The real story of the Bush regime is not incompetence, as many argue, but the degree to which almost universal collusion in government corruption has negated the need for even the pretense of democracy by those who benefit most from undermining it.  The Bush regime was many things; subtle was not one of them.  Its flouting of laws and standards, foreign and domestic, was clear evidence of its naked contempt, and the fact that all the rest of us could do was gape and flop around, sputtering "where's the outrage???" justified them in it. 

But the truth is, as anyone who has ventured outside the so-called First World recently will tell you, as much whinging and whining about civil liberties and income disparity as there is in America these days, even the least among us has got it good, comparatively speaking.  Where's the outrage?  Where people have either lost everything, or have nothing to lose.  Argentina 2001.  Myanmar and Pakistan 2007.  Haiti and Bangladesh 2008. 

Meanwhile, we've got Hempfest on The Common and Honk.  Oh, and if you crave urban chaos, you can buy it for PS2 for $39.99 and riot to your little heart's content from the comfort of your La-Z-Boy.

Things can still get much worse, in other words, and likely will.  We are still isolated from the food riots that swept the third world earlier this year, and petrol is still apparently affordable enough that most folks aren't changing their consumption habits too drastically. I mean, so you had to take a staycation this year.  It's a far cry from spending your summer break queuing up for hours a day in the hopes that the rice doesn't run out by the time you make it to the head of the line.

The Wall Street rally at the end of the week followed news of a government bail-out.  But even with the wild mood swings of the Dow over the last few days it's hard to glibly refer to what's happening as an "adjustment" or "realignment".  It doesn't feel like we've exactly crashed yet, either, though.  This is probably that slow-motion part where your whole life flashes in front of your eyes, right before you hit the wall. 

I mean, when bad credit's the root of the crisis, is demanding nearly three-quarters of a trillion dollars from the people who are in personal debt up to their eyeballs, and all defaulted on mortgages they shouldn't have been offered or taken out in the first place really the smartest answer?  Wouldn't building a time machine and just taking us back to the Clinton years, and whenever 2000 rolls around, taking us back to the Clinton years again, be easier? 

Actually, I'm with Senator Bernie Saunders on this one: "The people who can best afford to pay and the people who have benefited most from Bush's economic policies are the people who should provide the funds for the bailout."  But come on.  Are our Senators and so-called Representatives really going to jump at the opportunity to raise their own taxes?  I mean, at an annual salary of $170,00, election to Congress automatically places you in the top 5% of income earners in the U.S.  They'd have to raise their salaries significantly after the tax-hike to offset their losses.  What's the point?

It's a conundrum.  Not to worry: life here at the Seven Hills Orphanage is about the same as ever.  While some of my homies may be battling mountains of student debt (I don't ask, they don't tell) the reason I at least ended up here in the first place is my compulsion to live a debt-free existence.  The long and short of it is: I can afford the amenities at the Orphanage. 

For most of my adult life I have, of necessity, cut my coat according to the cloth.  I wasn't always so prudent.  I got burned in college, with my high-interest starter cards, and fleeing mounting debt, landed somewhere in Outer Mongolia.  There, living the life of a simple goatherd, I learned thrift and prudence.  I also learned that one can live well with little, and that warm goat milk is great in ginger tea.  And vodka.  And with flatbread.  And snails.  And lemon grass.  And whatever else happens to be edible and at hand.  It's even good with goat.  Go figure.

Point is, I learned to live pretty much like everybody else there at the time: without the benefit — or bane — of credit.  It was strictly a goat economy.  And because of it I find now that I have no desperate need of credit and certainly no interest in accumulating debt.  But I am looking for a goat.  I know: craigslist.

Unfortunately it's not enough to be prudent in today's economy.  You have to be prudent, forgiving, and generous, as it turns out.  The prudent must eventually pay for the sins of the profligate, you see.

The other day I was watching Crude Awakening, a documentary you can stream on Netflix (and definitely should if you can and haven't yet), about the coming oil crash.  I'm telling you, the next twenty years are gonna be a bumpy ride, that is until we go over the cliff, and then it should be relatively calm for the next three seconds, before the crash.  And then that's when things get really interesting.  But it happens to every civilization eventually.  And, buck up!  There are worse things than a return to feudalism. 

As I watched the documentary I started thinking about all the little things you miss when your economy collapses.  Things you take for granted now.  I wanted to share a few of the ones I'm going to miss most...

Bathing.  As the fabric of society unravels, hygiene will be one of the first things to go, trust me.  We spend lavishly to keep clean and smell pretty.  80-100 gallons of water a day on average per person mostly bathing and flushing the toilet.  Not to mention doing laundry.  And you and I know, all guys need is an excuse not to.

Sushi. Sushi will be one of the first casualties of the E-pocalypse, and despite being lampooned on the Stuff White People Like blog (it's #42) I do like it.  Unfortunately, you can't stockpile it.

Evening strolls.  I do enjoy my evening strolls as well, though they're not on the Stuff White People Like blog.  But everybody knows that with economic collapse comes martial law.  In fact, going anywhere at all at any time of the day will get a lot harder than back when we had an economy.

Leaving the country.  Speaking of going anywhere.  Truth is, nobody wants you when your economy collapses.  If you're very lucky, you might be able to hitch a ride across the border and scratch out a living doing the jobs Canadians don't want to do. 

Electricity on demand.  If you stay, you'll probably end up unemployed.  But don't think you'll while away the days watching Oprah.  You might have two hours of electricity a day, if you're lucky, and it'll be spotty when it does come in.  You think those rolling brown-outs were bad?  We're used to things more or less working at the flip of a switch.  When the economy collapses, and energy's rationed you'll have to choose between charging your ipod or torrenting your porn.  It makes Sophie's choice look like a cake-walk.

And some things I won't miss at all...

Product.  As hygiene goes, so goes product.  All the young mods who've taken Andy Warhol's advice to "think rich, look poor" will just look poor after the E-pocalypse.  That's not all bad.  I mean, a lot of product goes into thinking rich and looking poor, but when you eliminate the irony, you no longer need product to achieve the same exact result!

Choices.  What I love about rations is you just take what they're handing out.  Sometimes the free market is so stressful, with all those brands, and "NEW & IMPROVED" screaming from every shelf at the supermarket.  I mean, do we really need personalized peanut butter?

Frivolous First Amendment battles.  In the future, Nobody's clothes will fit.  The point is moot.  In fact, many points become moot when you slide down to the first rung of Maslow's ladder.

Internet chat.  As electricity is rationed (you guys know you can't get to the internet without it, right?) people will have to go out and actually meet and talk to each other the old-fashioned way, with their actual bodies, and faces, and mouths.  Scary, I know.  That's what Martial law's for.

Fashion.  People in the ashes of the E-pocalypse will dress to keep from being naked, not to show their allegiance to a brand.  Bicycles will be for transportation, not self-actualization.  Shoes will be for walking.  People will run to escape the rioting hordes.  All the angst that goes into shaping a postmodern identity out of an ironic pastiche of appropriated pop-culture minutiae will give way to a State of Nature approach, which will be a lot more fun, or at least less tedious, in the end, I think.

It's always a little scary to be plunged into social anarchy with nothing but abject poverty waiting for you at the end of it all, but remember: when one trap-door opens, um, another one opens.  Anyways, it'll be fun!  Don't worry!  See you in the food queue!  No cutting!