Fresh from touting an utterly unscientific voluntary survey of supposed commuters that they say shows that 40% of those who've taken one of their "Big Red" high-capacity cars love 'em, the T is unveiling plans for further amenities designed with this 40% in mind.

Among the new features of future Big Red cars:

Urinal troughs.  A T spokesman confirmed plans for installation of thirty-foot troughs on either side of the high capacity cars.  "We're going to start out testing 'number one' cars, but eventually we're thinking of 'number two' cars, too."  When asked what a 'number two' car would look like, the spokesman answered: "a lot like a 'number one,' with the addition of a little bidet at one end."

When one of the forty-percenters was asked about the idea, his eyes lit up!  "Oh my God!  That's so great.  We'll be able to stand and pee and ride the T all at the same time!  It's just like a public toilet!  I love peeing standing up!  I can't go number two like that, but I can sure try!  Anything for the T, God love 'em!"

The T spokesman was not surprised at the enthusiastic response to the idea.  "For the multitasking generation of riders now using the T, this is a dream come true, really."

Stackers.  One engineer I spoke to said the Big Red cars were small potatoes, really.  "You can get — what? — twenty-some extra riders packed on to a Big Red car?  That's nothing.  If you stacked the suckers five high you could get three, four hundred more to a car.  We may have to break a few bones, but I think it's worth it."

Asked to comment on the concept, one forty-percenter gushed: "What a great idea!  Just when you thought they'd come up with the perfect solution for our public transportation crisis, they keep coming up with better ones!  God bless the T!"

Sexual Predators Ride Free Days.  "We're considering Wednesday — since it's hump day!" chortled the MBTA board member who came up with the idea.  "We like that it's much easier to grope and be groped when everyone is standing, and packed in like sausages, so we figured why not make it policy?"

Pigeon Cages.  "We thought a really cool feature for riders who really like our Big Red cars would be to have maimed and diseased pigeons in chicken-wire cages suspended from the ceilings," The T spokesman said.

When asked what the point of that would be, he looked surprised.  "Well, to shit all over our loyal riders, of course."

I caught up with a forty-percenter at Park Street Station who had positioned himself on the platform where he knew a Big Red would be stopping, and asked him what he thought of the idea.  "Oh my God!  I love it!  I was just saying to my coworker today I don't get shat on enough!  It's like the T is reading my mind!"

The T said that if the Pigeon Project goes over well, they might consider adding small primates with IBS as well. 

"Our riders who love the Big Red cars will literally go ape-shit over these," a T conductor predicted.

Finally, in the interest of going green, the MBTA has announced a pilot program calling for Orange Line trains to be "people-powered"!


"Think of a huge hamster wheel with lucky MBTA commuters inside doing all the work," MBTA GM Dan Grabauskas explained.  "It's green, first of all.  It reduces our fuel costs.  And it provides one heck of a calorie-burning workout for our customers!" 

Asked if this would mean a reduction in fares, Grabauskas chuckled.

"Why would we reduce fares?  Here, for once, we'd be providing additional services — I mean we're basically giving you transportation and a gym membership for the price of a monthly T pass."

What do the Big Red Forty-Percenters have to say about this?

"Love it."

Need you even ask?