By now everybody on the planet more or less knows Michael Phelps smokes pot.  The 23 year-old record-breaking gold medalist was surreptitiously snapped with his fancy high-tech water bong at a party at the University of South Carolina last November and plastered on the front page of Britain's News of the World under the predictable tabloid headline: "WHAT A DOPE!"

Phelps came back with the old "youthful indiscretion" defense:  "I'm 23 years old and, despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me." 

There's something precious in young people saying. "look, I'm young — this is what young people are like," which is something old people are supposed say about them, not something they're supposed to say about themselves.  It's unattractive when young people point out their own youthfulness, as if they have some perspective on it, don't you think?

And then there's the malarkey about not behaving in "a manner people have come to expect from me."  This from the kid who de-stressed after his last bout of medals with a bit of drunk driving.  What people is he thinking about here?  Invincible 23 year-olds making millions are obnoxious, and we should expect them to act obnoxiously. 

Speaking of millions, back in the States the big question is: will Phelps lose the lucrative endorsements he captured along with the gold?  It's funny: Americans love a good rags-to-riches story, but we love a good rags-to-riches-to-rags story even better (for a good rags-to-riches-to-rags-to-riches story see Britney Spears).  The latest twist in Phelps' story is explosive not because anyone expects Phelps not to binge drink, get high, grab some ass, and just generally act the fool, but because he might lose some endorsements by doing it.

But the odds are in his favor.  As long as he's winning, and has a winning smile, we'll likely forgive his occasional douchebaggery.  We do love our sports stars.  For a contrast, look at the case of Bode Miller, another superstar douchebag.  Just as he was peaking, about to become a Phelps-sized celebrity, he choked.  The 2006 Winter Olympics: a disaster.  You'll never see him on a Wheaties box, that's for sure.  Even his fansite, Bodelicious.net shut down following the '06 debacle. Even so, Bode soldiers on.  He's still skiing.  And he's even scooping up the occasional contract pitching slopes and ski parks abroad.

So what if Phelps loses some endorsements?  If he plays his cards right he could pick up some new ones in the process.  Not only is NORML thrilled by his bong shots, but the binge drinking opens up all sorts of opportunities, too.  He might consider being a spokesmodel (not to be confused with a role model) for Cuervo Gold, for instance.  "Go for the Gold".  I mean, this is Marketing 101, people.  I can think of a great body-shots themed advertising campaign — you could do body-shots all over this kid.  There's miles of him.

Maybe kick off the Cuervo campaign with the release of a Michael Phelps brojob bombshell on youtube, à la the Paris Hilton - Rick Salomon sex tape, you know?   I mean, come on: a kid who binge drinks like Phelps has had to have passed out with his dick in somebody's mouth or somebody's in his at some point, and somebody's had to have had a camera phone handy, wouldn't you think? 

OK, getting away from the Cuervo concept, why not endorse munchies of some sort?  Frito Lay?  Dominoes?  I mean, what do you do once you've done a few bong hits?  You raid the kitchen for munchies, and order a pizza.  Phelps has a contract with McDonald's (inconceivably enough), but I don't know of anyone who gets high and goes to Mickey-D's.  Ditch the golden arches.  Pizza and porn.

We've already seen hints of a slightly sleezy side, showing up in Beijing sporting a '70s porn 'stache.  Why not go all the way with it, big guy?  With the porn industry seeking a boost in these tough times, it could be mutually beneficial.