I kept seeing these rather Orwellian ads for an online dating site everywhere...


The ad, as straightforward as it is, immediately brought to mind two questions: who is this "We" they're speaking of, and what constitutes "unfit"? 

I for one was intrigued.  And as a service to my readers, I decided to visit the site — even join, if that's what it took to get to the bottom of it. The first question — the "We" — was answered directly...

My name is Markus and this site is my creation. For over 5 Years without a single employee I turned this site into the worlds largest dating site. Every day over 30,000 nurses and doctors, 27,000 educators, 25,000 business owners, 5,000 chefs, 2,000 pilots and 800 Architects use Plentyoffish to find love, and they are joined by nearly 1,000,000 others just like YOU!

The second question was answered by implication, I guess you'd say.  Marcus apparently has the final word on who's fit and unfit for dating. I mean, it's his site, right?  He obviously likes medical professionals and pilots, but isn't too picky about punctuation or grammar (he has some issues with homophones like "to", "too" and "two", too).

Things sure to get you deleted: being under-aged, not filling out your profile "correctly", "if you are a jerk or are mean to other users" or post nude pics.  But there are plenty of free dating sites that have similar codes and forbid snapshots of body parts.  Take Lovetastic, targeted specifically at gays (their motto: "together, we can redefine gay culture for the better"), which won't even let you post a pic with your shirt off (the latest front in the movement to turn gay men into lesbians, perhaps?), and allows users to flag profiles as "creepy" or "spammy."

To his credit, Marcus also has spam-proofing technology.  When I signed up I had to do one of those spam-guard puzzles:


Seriously?  "Choke"? 

But Marcus's secret weapon is a shorter version of a Match.com/eHarmony-style "compatibility matching system," presumably developed, again, by Marcus, alone in his bedroom, late at night, long after mom and dad had gone to bed.  And, guess what?  It's totally FREE. I know: can you believe it?

How do they make money, then?  Well, targeted ads like this one, which pop up on your profile, right next to your picture:


I know: classy, right? 

Talk about standards: the personality test is merciless.  They don't pull any punches.  You know how Match.com will put a nice spin on your personality profile.  Like you could be a serial killer, and your personality profile will come back with something like: "but you only kill the ones who deserve it!"  Not at PoF.

PoF's personality test purportedly measures for self-confidence, something called "family-orientation", self-control, openness, and "easygoingness".  I was doing OK, sounding halfway normal, at least — getting some positive feedback (self-confidence: "Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself"; family-orientation: "You take pride in maintaining and cultivating a healthy family and work hard to achieve this.") — until we got to self-control.  I don't know what I ever did to him, but all the sudden Marcus ripped me a new one:

As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. ... Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work. Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent. Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.” Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring.

I see.  The glass is half-full, then.

Even my "easy-goingness" — which is legendary! — came under vicious attack:

Based on your score, you appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time. However, being high in easygoingness also has the potential to produce stress in a number of ways. For example, you may find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently. In this way, being high in easygoingness cannot only make your life difficult, but also the lives of the people around you. Another potential problem with being too high in easygoingness is that it can provide you with gratification in the short-term, but in the long-term provide undesirable consequences.

High easygoingness, even when not seriously destructive, may also diminish your effectiveness at work, for example. You may find it aversive and difficult to put in all the effort that may sometimes be needed to effectively accomplish certain tasks. For this reason, your colleagues might view you as forgetful and unfocused.

No silver lining on this one.  But, I'm sorry, was this a dating site, or career-counseling.com? 

If you score high in "easygoingness" the feedback is wholly negative, as you can see.  I mean, aside from the fact that you "appear to enjoy having a good time," being easy-going apparently wreaks havoc on your life and the lives of all those around you. 

So my career and love life are doomed.  Well, good to know there are always lonely married women out there as a back-up, should it come to that.