The Roots of Speedophobia



Also available in "stop staring at my boys".

Reuters reports that a recent unscientific poll found that 35% of people who visited a travel website called tripadvisor thought that speedos violated beach etiquette.  Such is the state of news these days that this "finding" merited the headline: "Speedos are bad beach behavior: poll". I guess 35% is the new unanimous.  Thank goodness they waited until after the recent elections to decide that.

I'd assume that some of this 35% object to being forced to see folks they think shouldn't be seen in speedos cavorting about the beach in them, but others among them probably subscribe to the popular notion among American men that "speedos are gay."

It's a common enough complaint from whingy American men (which could constitute roughly 35% of American men, I suppose), who are so afraid of exposing their inadequacies that they've practically resorted to wearing bloomers to the beach these days.  They don't mind women in bikinis, apparently, but men in speedos — Quel horreur! 

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that what "straight" complainers are afraid of is that their eyes will be drawn to that bulge, if it's on display.  And when their eyes wander — as they inevitably do— it's easier to trash-talk the guys with their junk out, especially when you fear you can't compete (and all men at some point in their adolescence — and extended adolescence — do).  Some blame American modesty, but it's not modesty if you've got nothing much to cover up in the first place.  It's fear of not measuring up.  Literally.

Probably the biggest myth of the locker room is that straight guys don't check each other out.  Every straight guy knows how to spot a closet case in a group shower immediately: he's the modest one. He'll be the one so afraid of his eyes wandering that he stares straight ahead.  Once the sexual tension of the situation is defused, men who are comfortable in their sexuality — gay or straight — can handle each other's junk.  Just look at any pro sports franchise — there's a lot of manlove on display. 

One of the most curious things about middle America's idea of masculinity these days is that exposing flesh is effeminate.  In the past, of course, it was the opposite.  Women were the ones bundled and bustled up.  But you've only to look at thug culture to see the most obvious and extreme manifestation of this reversal. And listen to the defense of DADT — if you don't protest the possibility of being seen naked by other men loudly enough you're under suspicion and may soon find yourself booted out of the barracks.

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Neuroticism is the new eroticism.
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I don't think it's a stretch to say that this extreme self-consciousness which has replaced authenticity as a hallmark of true heterosexuality is a reflection of the decline of American superpower.  Vigor and spontaneity have given way to uncertainty and paranoia.  The crisis of American power is also a crisis of American masculinity.  The irony is that gays are outstraighting straight men these days.  That's partly because the old myth that masculinity and sexuality are the same thing has been busted. 

Homosexuality has often been equated with effeminacy. Some cultures don't judge men who top as necessarily gay at all.  It's the bottom for whom they reserve their ire.  Even in gay culture, while tops often declare that "bottoms rule", the latter are more often mocked and derided.  A prolific top is a "stud".  A busy bottom is a "bitch", "slut", "whore."  But the truth is, as upsetting to our sensibilities as it is, there are masculine bottoms and feminine tops. 

It's all very confusing.  And overwhelmed straightish men are apparently so afraid of being perceived as gay that they've gone completely neurotic.  In fact, that's how we're supposed to be able to tell straight from gay these days.  Now that many gay men are out and comfortable in their sexuality, straight men are constantly under threat.  Because it's harder than ever to tell gay from straight at a glance, the neurotic ones have to distinguish themselves by constantly griping and grumbling about how comfortable gays are showing off.  Gays are no longer victims, but potential vicitmizers of straightish men. 

Once the taboo is lifted, gay men can celebrate their masculinity openly, as can confident straight men.  It's those straightish lads in the middle who are having trouble.  The homosocial pecking order is brutal.  And it's hard to see gay men as alpha males (but I don't know what else you would call a man who tops other men — sexually or otherwise).  So the straightish betas cover up, thug up, gang up.  And of course, they trash-talk to compensate for their inability to compete on a newly level playing field. 

That's homophobia 101.  But why should speedos even be seen as gaywear?  I remember my first summer in rural Hungary, almost fifteen years ago now.  I was at a teachers conference in a place called Szentes.  We stepped outside, where there was a handball court, to have a smoke, and a group of young men, all college-age, I'd say, were on the court playing handball in nothing but their speedos.  I though it was glorious. Some of my American colleagues were aghast. Of course it was nothing special to the young men playing. 

In my time in the little village of Püspökladány, I routinely saw men and boys gardening and mowing the lawn in their speedos, lounging at garden barbecues, and playing all sorts of non-water sports in speedos all summer long.  And?  And nothing.  Was it hot?  Sometimes.  Mostly it was just ordinary.  I will say that the frankness of sexuality among young people was refreshingly natural, and uncomplicated by implications of prurience.  It was a revelation to see young people full of life, like they're supposed to be.  It was like seeing creatures you'd only seen in captivity finally in their natural state.

Hungarians didn't bat an eye at the most outrageous displays of male flesh.  Americans, on the other hand, are likely to literally sneer at even unselfconscious displays of flesh in places where they're totally appropriate. 

Again, it's ironic because the battle to break from Victorian prudery, as Mark Simpson explains, was waged by uberbutch Aussies, who, in fact, invented the speedo in open rebellion against "neck-to-knee" bathing costumes of the nineteenth century.

Simpson (who is British) also sees Americans' beachwear prudery as a symptom of larger lifestyle trends.

There was, I’d venture, another, weightier reason for this swimwear elephantiasis. The late ’80s was also when male obesity became a big trend in the United States. Baggy shorts hide baggy buttocks. They also wear higher, and their large profile makes a baggy stomach considerably less obvious than when hanging over the waistband of a Speedo. Moreover, “board shorts” hide the chicken legs of a car-centered society in which men watch sport (while eating) instead of playing. Is it simply a coincidence that when many young American men saw their bodies losing masculine definition they started wearing ladies’ bloomers?

The ’80s also saw the rise of the male as appetizing, idealized media sex object. The bar for male beauty was being set higher and higher as the reality was getting heavier and heavier. The tyranny of “boardies” is an expression of male self-consciousness, self-loathing-and paranoia both of being “checked out” and not measuring up. The ’80s saw a steep rise in the American male’s awareness of gays-and with it his desire not to be mistaken for one by in any way signaling that he had an ass and a packet. Baggy shorts are a deliberate and cruel affront to homos – but it’s nice to know that straight men are thinking about us so much.

Indeed it is.  But it would be nicer if they would just relax.  No one really cares if you're gay or straight when you're wearing boardshorts anyway.
Posted by Mike Mennonno at 7/13/2009 8:54 AM
Categories: The Agenda, mass hysteria
 
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  • 7/13/2009 11:06 AM henry wrote:

    I heard somewhere, and it may just be an anti-French rumor, that public pools in France require speedos (or some sort of snug swimwear) since they consider the baggy variety unhygienic.


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    1. 7/17/2009 8:20 AM toti wrote:

      I've lived in Paris for 8 years... and speedos are compulsory for men in all public swimming pools and swimming caps also (not sure if this is the right term).

      The reason they claimed: they don't want head&pubic&other hair in the pool. I guess chest and leg hair is politically correct ;)

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      1. 7/17/2009 8:43 AM Mike Mennonno wrote:

        Thank goodness! Otherwise you'd have to wear a frog suit!



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        1. 7/19/2009 11:08 PM toti wrote:

          Qué cabrón! ;-)

          You could have picked up this one:



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          1. 7/20/2009 12:50 PM Mike Mennonno wrote:

            No shoulder coverage. Your arms are pretty hairy, too, y'know.


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          2. 8/1/2009 8:36 AM cherry cherry wrote:

            Michael Phelps has no genitals to slow him down.

            He's like a living, breathing Ken doll without the little bump:






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  • 7/13/2009 10:55 PM Will wrote:

    I HATE what the young guys are wearing on the beach--those shapeless things--when they are at the perfect age to wear speedos and have the perfect bodies.

    We're so fucked up about bodies and sex in this country--it's really pathetic.


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  • 7/17/2009 2:44 AM Bryan wrote:

    So how to explain boardshorts for surfers, who more often than not have taut, lean bodies that would be enhanced by Speedo-type wear? Admittedly sometimes you see the longer varieties which are knock-offs of gangsta wear, but only gremmies wear ones below the knee. Experienced surfers wear them to mid-thigh or the knee. Yet they are worn lower...far lower...on the hips even to the point of showing off the upper reaches of a guy's pubic hair. What's up with that? Everybody knows chicks are watching, eh? Well, not just chicks, brah....

    In fact, old surf pix detail many old guys wearing of Speedo-type or other short and close-hugging swimsuits. Everlast elastic shorts were invented to allow for more leg room for boxers in contrast to the then used leather-belted brief styles. Of course, I can't say a lot of male surfers don't suffer from homophobia. Still, far from being "an affront to homos" as Mark Simpson would suggest, early on baggies have been worn by lifeguards, many of whom were surfers. There's even a company out here in SoCal that's been making the same boardshort since 1961, Birdwell's. But sometimes a boardshort is just a boardshort. How we homos can make a fetish out of a bit of cloth!


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  • 7/24/2009 10:52 PM Don wrote:

    This could perhaps mark the return of the Speedo, something I've missed seeing in competitive swimming in recent years. Enormously.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/25/sports/25swim.html?_r=1&hp

    Personally, I wear Speedos (well, they're actually a couple of Adidas suits) in Europe, where no one bats an eye, but here in the States, I succumb to icky long-legged surf shorts or whateverthehell they're called. Everytime I step out of the water in the latter, I start wringing their legs out to try to decrease the amount of time I spend with water draining down my legs. Maybe it's no coincidence that I'm far more likely to go for a dip on the other side of the pond.


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    1. 7/25/2009 7:13 AM Mike Mennonno wrote:

      YAY!  Now if we could only get them to ban excessive manscaping, too. 

      Thanks for the link, Don!

      Here's the article in its entirety, for those readers too lazy to click to it:
      Swimming Bans High-Tech Suits, Ending an Era

      By KAREN CROUSE for The New York Times
      Published: July 24, 2009

      ROME — In an effort to clean up its sport, the international governing body of swimming will require its athletes to show more skin. By an overwhelming vote Friday at its general congress, FINA officials decided to ban the high-tech swimsuits that have been likened to doping on a hanger.

      The ban does not start until 2010, but the polyurethane-based swimsuit era that the swimwear giant Speedo introduced in the lead-up to last year’s Beijing Olympics will effectively be ushered out, presumably with a bang, at the swimming world championships that start here Sunday.

      In the 17 months since the LZR Racer hit the market and spawned a host of imitators, more than 130 world records have fallen, including seven (in eight events) by Michael Phelps during the Beijing Olympics.

      Phelps, a 14-time Olympic gold medalist, applauded FINA’s proposal that racing suits be made of permeable materials and that there be limits to how much of a swimmer’s body could be covered. The motion must be approved by the FINA Bureau when it convenes Tuesday.

      “I like it,” Phelps said. “I think it’s going to be good.”

      In the Olympic individual events, only four world records remain from the pre-2008, pre-polyurethane era: the men’s 400- and 1,500-meter freestyles, and the women’s 100 breaststroke and 100 butterfly.

      As setting world records became almost commonplace, the swimsuit controversy spread beyond issues of performance into the territory of morality.

      The Briton Rebecca Adlington, who won gold medals in the 400 and 800 freestyles in Beijing, is sticking with the LZR Racer, but was critical of swimsuits that have recently been developed. “I would never in a million years take a drug to help me, so why would I wear a suit just to improve my performance?” she told The Daily Telegraph. “It’s just not who I am.”

      Jaked, an Italian-based manufacturer, is one of nearly two dozen companies that dived into the swimsuit race. Its 01 model has fewer panels and seams and more polyurethane than Speedo’s high-tech offering.

      There were concerns that swimsuit technology was encroaching on the sport’s integrity as far back as 2000 when full-body suits were introduced, replacing men’s lycra briefs and women’s lycra one pieces.

      At that time, the United States Swimming Board of Directors convened a conference call. Dave Salo, the University of Southern California swim coach who was on the board then, said the members spent two hours discussing technology’s slippery slope.

      In a news conference Friday, Corel Marculescu, the executive director of FINA, said, “We’ve been looking at this issue for six months only, trying to solve the problems.”

      Before this week, FINA did not have a bylaw expressly forbidding swimsuits that might aid speed, buoyancy and endurance. Some retired swimming greats were openly questioning the governing body’s stewardship of the sport. Franziska Van Almsick, a former world-record holder in the 200 freestyle, recently told the German newspaper Der Tagesspiegel, “They can’t allow the full-body condom where all you see is the swimmer’s face.”

      Salo, who coaches the American Rebecca Soni, the world-record holder in the women’s 200 breaststroke, said Friday, “I think when FINA didn’t define the rules, it opened this quagmire for all the swimsuit companies because they looked around and said, ‘Oh, there are no rules.’ ”

      Not all the high-tech suits were created equal. But they enabled swimmers without an ideal physique or impeccable conditioning to be more competitive. Squeezed into the corset-like suit, a muscled and stocky body is as streamlined as a long and lean one; a soft abdomen as effective as six-pack abs. “The thing that’s really hurt more than anything else is the whole suit situation has devalued athleticism,” Salo said. “A lot of kids who aren’t in very good shape can put on one of these suits and be streamlined like seals.”

      FINA officials arranged for buoyancy tests on nearly 400 suit models and approved 202 in May for these world championships. Ten suits were rejected, including the B8 polyurethane model created by the California-based Tyr Sport and favored by the American sprint freestyler and backstroker Matt Grevers. Tyr has appealed to the Court of Arbitration for Sport in the hopes of having the suit approved before the meet’s start. Come January, the polyurethane era will have gone the way of square-grooved clubs in men’s professional golf. “Basically, when we roll back, racers are going to hurt a lot more than they hurt currently, which is not something I’m looking forward to,” Grevers said. He added, “Mentally, I think everyone’s prepared to go slower.”

      Grevers, the silver medalist in the 100 backstroke in Beijing, spoke after warming up in the outdoor competition pool at the Foro Italico Sports Complex. At the end of his practice, he shed his full-body polyurethane suit like a snake does a second skin to reveal nylon briefs he wore for modesty’s sake. The next debate will revolve around the world records broken by athletes wearing the soon-to-be banned suits. Should 2008-9 be remembered as swimming’s asterisk era?

      “The rules that were in there at that moment, we accept it,” said Uruguay’s Julio Maglione, who was elected president of FINA at Friday’s congress. “No change.”

      Mark Schubert, the general manager of the United States national team, disagreed. Earlier this month he said the records should be stricken because they were artificially aided. “I just don’t think we’ve been good stewards of the sport to allow what’s happened,” he said.


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  • 8/1/2009 7:33 AM Mike Mennonno wrote:
     
    Of course I might be persuaded by the likes of Ricky Berens to change my mind about the all-over suits.  They do malfunction rather spectacularly, I have to say...






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    1. 8/1/2009 8:25 AM cherry cherry wrote:

      At least now we know they may shave everything else but they don't shave their bums!


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    2. 8/3/2009 6:38 AM peter nang wrote:

      That's no wardrobe malfunction, that's a buttkini!

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  • 9/12/2011 1:37 AM Adrian Becker wrote:

    Well, everyone is entitled to express their own opinion and thoughts. My opinion is that people who ridicule swim briefs are just plain closed minded and immature. To say they are "gross" is just gross to hear that! Growing up in the 80's, swim briefs were acceptable. I think swim briefs are less popular now due to the "hip-hop" and "baggy" fashion influence.

    I think adequate swim briefs for men have their place and time. I'm a 6'0, 31, athletic muscular straight male from Southern California and wear square-cut boxer shorts at pools and board shorts at the beach. My GF loves how my square-cuts fit! I feel more masculine, sexy, and attractive. I think these type of swimwear looks better in people in good shape.

    I also have a swim brief that I wear for "play" only in private with my GF. She loves how they fit and she encourages me to wear them at the pool! I don't think I would want to do that due to the "hostile speedophobia" society we live in!. Swim briefs in other parts of the world are ok, but the USA is so up-tight for that. It does not make sense! Women can wear next to nothing, but men are not allowed to wear anything less than board shorts. How ridiculous! The USA has become a super macho hypocritical double standard society. It's very sad. No wonder why the rest of the world doesn't like us...go figure!!!

    To stereotype swim briefs as homosexual is so stupid and ridiculous. I say to men who have the body and feel good in swim briefs, go for it! If women can nearly show their entire body nude in a tiny bikini, then men should be allowed to wear swim briefs! Don't mind those immature people who don't like it. If they don't like it, too bad! Tell them to look or go somewhere else! The USA is a free nation, so wear whatever you like as long as it's adequate.

    SWIM BRIEFS FOREVER!!!

    Adrian

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  • 9/12/2011 9:57 AM Will wrote:

    Go, Adrian!

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