Friends of the blog probably already know I have worked in adult ed most of my adult life.  I was on the front line for many years, but recently traded in my spurs for a desk job.  Up until about six months ago I still dealt daily with students, but because of a recent reorganization, I rarely do anymore.  I'm not complaining.

But consequently, my teaching persona, which I like to think was somewhere between Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society, and House, has all but withered away.  We change along with our environment, of course.  We adapt to new circumstances.  I've written before about my ongoing metamorphosis.  Not to mix allusions here, but it seems I'm well on my way to becoming Bartleby the Scrivener.

I should probably just stay holed up in my office until the transformation is complete.  When I go out I tend to have awkward encounters with my colleagues.  Like the other day, I was passing by student services, when a flier on the buzz board caught my eye. It had a big heart on it and two lists. One said “Love is…” and the other “Love isn’t…” And of course, to my mind, the lists were all backwards.

Things like jealousy, pain, obsession in the "Love Isn't" column, for example.  Well, love's got all those things, as anyone who's ever been in love well knows.  In fact, it's what you do with precisely those things that makes a success or a shambles of love.  Think of it as a spicy Mexican mole poblano sauce — if you load up on too much of one spice or another it's just a recipe for heartburn, but if you leave out that pinch of jealousy or smidgen of pain altogether, it's not mole at all.  You can eat it but it'll be bland, and a chore to get through the meal, smiling and saying "mmm, delicious!" and pretending you're enjoying it so you can hurry up and get to dessert.

Speaking of: "sex" is on both the "Love Is..." and "Love Isn't..." lists! 

So I was puzzling over all this when the director of Student Services, who is a delightful young woman, easy-going if painfully earnest, came up to me, and asked me what I was puzzling over. 

"This is all wrong," I told her, wryly.

She gave me an "oh, you!" look and a nervous little laugh.  I knew from the school's listserv that she had put together the flier for a workshop on abusive relationships for students*, an issue I certainly take very seriously.  But I figured we were among adults now who could acknowledge, if coyly, the difference between the exigencies of education and the contradictions and contingencies of life, which is, after all why God gave us irony in the first place.  With our students out of earshot we were like actors backstage discussing the craft.

“Like the first one here,” I said. “'Love is not… jealousy'?  Well, of course it is! That should be at the top of the other list!  Because love is nothing if not jealous. That's the proof in the pudding!”

She laughed again, a little more nervously, took a couple steps back, and said nothing. 

I could see we were not getting anywhere.  But instead of saying "bye now" and walking away like the little voice in my head always advises me to, I changed the subject, sort of. I was like, “you remember those ‘Love is…” cartoons? From, like, the seventies?”

She didn’t, of course.

So instead of shutting up about them, I described them to her over Little Voice's vehement protestations.

“The ones with the two naked kids – I mean, but without genitals. They were like, kids without genitals? You know what I’m talking about?”

Now she looked slightly stricken, and her laughter had an edge of fear in it. She took a couple more steps back.

“You know – they said things like ‘love is… letting him take topless photos of you’?”


Now there was no more laughter, just fear.  Was this love?  Or not-love?  I was confused. 

"Which is exactly why you should stick to the list," Little Voice said.  "Now, get back in your box."

I had little choice but to listen and obey, as by now my colleague had retreated into her office, quietly closing the door behind her. 

And I didn't even get a chance to add "aaawkwaaard" to the list.
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*The list is part of the Clothesline Project, which seeks to educate and prevent violence against women.