The Globe's token conservative Jeff Jacoby couldn't resist rubbing proponents of marriage equality's noses in their defeat in Maine last week.  I can never tell if Jacoby is joking (I've always suspected he's a double-agent), but I have to admit his shtick is consistent.  And he seems pretty certain there's a vast liberal conspiracy afoot — a coordinated assault on "traditional values" in everything from global warming to gay rights. 

You have to give him credit, he has said repeatedly he doesn't have a problem with those who disagree with him.  It's them — the car-bashing bicyclists, the Christmas-Tree-hating secularists, and, of course, those mean, mean gays — they're the ones with the problem.  Obviously.  I mean, why do they have to go around threatening to expose those who oppose marriage equality, and call them mean names like "bigot" and "homophobe"?  Why do the gays have to be so mean?

Mind you, nowhere does Jacoby suggest that being nice to those who oppose marriage equality (with ads and commentary like this and this and this) will do proponents of marriage equality any good in attaining equal rights.  He is simply suggesting that since it's obvious they're mistaken — not evil, just mistaken — they should politely accept the status quo — Jacoby even throws in a quote from Barney Frank: “There’s something to be said for cultural respect."  Come on, gays, show some respect! 

I dunno.  When the status quo distorts and demonizes you wholesale, whether forthrightly or by outrageous insinuation...


...well, it's not nice being repeatedly referred to as perverts and pedophiles, no matter how politely, is it? And if gays and their allies have a sense of disbelief and even outrage at the nature of the fear-mongering, scapegoating, and all the specious arguments against marriage equality, I think it's justified. But obviously, you don't have to agree with me, Jeff Jacoby.

Here are the reactions to Prop One Jacoby finds objectionable:

“Bigotry trumps compassion,’’ wrote commentator Michael Stone, calling the vote “a shameful display of ignorance, bigotry, and hate.’’ In the Maine Campus, the newspaper of the University of Maine, columnist Samantha Hansen denounced the voters who “let hatred, confusion,misinformation, and ignorance emerge victorious over liberty.’’ When will it occur to supporters of same-sex marriage that they do their cause no good by characterizing those who disagree with them as haters,bigots, and ignorant homophobes? It may be emotionally satisfying to despise as moral cripples the majorities who oppose gay marriage. But after going 0 for 31 - after failing to make the case for same-sex marriage even in such liberal and largely gay-friendly states as California, Wisconsin, Oregon, and now Maine - isn’t it time to stop caricaturing their opponents as the equivalent of Jim Crow-era segregationists? Wouldn’t it make more sense to concede that thoughtful voters can have reasonable concerns about gay marriage, concerns thatwill not be allayed by describing those voters as contemptible troglodytes?

"contemptible troglodytes," eh?  You said it, Jeff, we didn't.

Ah, the poor moral majority.  Victims of the "naked animus" and "vehement intolerance" of the vicious and powerful gays.  "And voters don’t have to be paranoid" Jacoby assures us, "to wonder: If this is the kind of abuse that opponents of gay marriage can be subjected to now, how much more intolerance will dissenters face if gay marriage becomes the law?"

I guess it's true, you don't have to be paranoid to wonder.  Delusional works, too. 

Why, if our experience here in Massachusetts is any indication, gay marriage in Maine would have led to a gay police state, where countless conscientious gay-marriage dissenters have been rounded up and sent to re-education camps.  Some return broken, others are never heard from again.  There have been unconfirmed tales of torture with French Ticklers and Fleshlights.  And gay mobs, many clad in nothing but rainbow boas and glitter, roam the streets of the South End beating up anyone presumed to be straight unlucky enough to cross their paths.

But, no, he's right.  The least gays could do after what he reminds us — not gloating or anything, are ya, Jeff? — is our crushing 31st of 31 defeats wherever our rights have been subject to the whims of a powerful, well-funded, fear-mongering lobby, and voted away by an often fairly slim — considering — majority (52% in California, 53% in Maine) is be grateful that castration for gays was not on the ballot, too. 

Where can I send my flowers and thank you card, Jeff?