And I thought I was cranky.

Stanley Fish's New York Times blog yesterday was dedicated to "phrases and announcements that make your heart sink and make you want to commit mayhem." Professor Fish says: "'Rage' was a word often used as readers accepted my invitation to add their own (non) favorites to my small list."  

"Rage" is a pretty strong word.  I expected to find at least a few local favorites beginning and/or ending in "douchebag", but as I read the top picks, I discovered such outrageous libels as... “The doctor will be with you in a minute," “It’s all good," and this baddie of baddies: “Take care.”

There are apparently many people like Anita, who read Professor Fish's blog, who believe that "irritating utterances make up ninety percent of human interactions," including “My door is always open," "See you soon," and “Have a nice day.”

Yikes.

My favorite rage-inducing announcement of the bunch has got to be “My name’s Chuck and I’ll be your server tonight.”  This goes right up Titovo's ass and takes a sharp left (as my boss would say).

Would someone PLEASE tell the Chucks of the world that we’re aware of what his function in the restaurant is and that it doesn’t include intruding on our evening by imposing his acquaintance on us — as though we’d come to the establishment to make friends rather than have dinner.

If we needed Chuck’s help at some point when he is absent from our table, it would be easy to summon him if we knew his name from a name tag or a button that had “23″ on it. Are we forever doomed to the phony-egalitarian bonhomie of the You-can-call-me-Chuck, who will doubtless ask someone “Are you still working on that?!?” during the meal, or can we perhaps have a dinner we’re paying for (and paying him to serve) in relaxed anonymity?

You might want to try dining someplace other than The Olive Garden, Titovo.  That'd be a start.

The comments to Fish's post are a Readers Digest version of the chapter on personality disorders in the DSM. I mean, check out this interpretation of “Take care”:

Parting words that suggest that the world is a sea of malevolence, and whether man made or natural, bad things are headed your way. And from our brief encounter I can see that you are vulnerable, and nothing and nobody will help you see the threats or help you once you have been struck — not even the person who invokes this horrible phrase — which underscores how little regard this person has for you - all said as though it is vaguely benevolent.

Um, paranoid much?

Or take one reader's take on "I’m going to let you go now”: “Naked deceit and hypocrisy. Translation: ‘I’m sick of talking to you and I want you to get out of my face but I’m too much of a rube to know how to do it gracefully so I’ll pretend I’m doing you a favor because I think you’re stupid enough to believe me.’”

I mean, jeez, no wonder people don’t want to talk to you. This is just the kind of person, in fact, that politeness is meant to protect us from. Can you imagine if you didn’t use tact with someone like this?

People who complain that politeness is a form of deceit are not wrong. It is. But far from complaining, we should be thankful for it. We encounter people every day that sheer necessity dictates we deal with. It's very simple: we have more of an interest in being polite to them than in being honest. 

Of course, for people who have been properly socialized (and not in a snooty way — you don't have to go to finishing school to know that you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar) there is no problem here.  Being pleasant and polite in society is not experienced as "naked deceit and hypocrisy", even though it is, if you were to strip away social necessity, precisely that. 

The inability to grasp behaviors in context makes it difficult, and sometimes even painful, for some people to interact in different contexts.  Those who can't distinguish — and there is some wiggle room — move to Boston.

Lord knows I bitch and moan. That’s what bloggers do. And a blogger in Boston who didn’t bitch about Bostonians wouldn’t be one himself.  But you will never hear me bitch about people trying to find polite ways to say “fuck off.” That’s what manners are for. And people who don’t understand that are probably better off staying holed-up at home readinf Stanley Fish's blog.

Now, “all set” (whether as question or declaration) – that’s a phrase that really drives me up the wall.