The condom, that is.

There's a new survey — just in time for National Condom Week — that finds that many men are complaining of "ill-fitting" condoms.  I know "ill-fitting" sounds kind of prissy, but it's a real problem. 

I remember a few years ago when they started messing with underwear sizes, and all the sudden a medium was a small?  My waist-size hadn't changed, and I have to say, I resented it a little.  I am six feet tall with a 32 inch waist.  Whatever else I may be I am certainly not small.  Medium is a perfectly respectable size, and those of us who can maintain our tricky figures into midlife should not be belittled, downgraded to "small", just to make those with ballooning waistlines feel more "medium" than "large". 

The condom industry suffers from a similar, but inverse, size issue.  There are no "small" or "medium" condoms — who on earth would buy them? — but there are "large" and "extra-large" and, of course, the much sought after "XXL"...


In condoms, obviously, size matters. In fact, sometimes the size of the condom seems to matter more than the size of what's inside it.

The problem is, men aren't always ever truthful about their penis size.  Have ya noticed?  I sure have.  I mean, one glimpse at the stats on a raunchy hook-up site like Manhunt, where the Massachusetts average is a whopping 7.24 inches — well, it's poignant, is what it is.  So close and yet so far.  But we are an aspirational people.  And if we keep striving, someday, according to Evolutionary Biologist Jared Diamond, we'll all get there.  (Or men may grow breasts and start lactating first, which kinda seems more likely.)

Not that it matters that much to me, despite what anyone says.  I'm a sexual pragmatist. I don't pay any attention to men's self-reported size, for a couple reasons.  The idea of a grown man who has the time to sit around masturbating and measuring his penis and then broadcasts the fact is frankly pathetic.  On a number of levels.  Each more pathetic than the one preceding it.   They assume you're not going to whip out your tape measure when they show up and call them on it, mainly because you're lying, too.

I certainly don't broadcast mine.  No one would believe me if I did.  But I have had potential hook-ups online ask me, and I quote: "how hung r u?" 

I mean, is it a trick question?

It's like one of those questions at the job interview.  "What's your biggest strength?"  Where you're supposed to be all modest?   

I always answer: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you." 

It's actually worse when you're honest (I mean "you" as in "you", not "you" as in "we" here).  When you consider the actual average penis size (according to findings reported in the venerable Journal of Urology), is 5.08 inches, which in reality is more than adequate for the task at hand, so to speak.  But in the hypertrophic hothouse of the gay hook-up site, you might as well call it a clitoris, roll over on your stomach and start biting that pillow, bitch.

This isn't only a problem of gay culture, gals.  There's a sort of hyperbolic arms race on and it impacts us all.  It's what got us into this financial mess.  You know the dot-com bubble?  The housing bubble?  What we've got here is basically a penis bubble.  But how would you feel if you went to the butcher and paid for 2 lbs of prime-rib, got it home, unwrapped it, and found a pork chop in its place?

I know.  I know.  Trust me, I know.  And it's not that we don't love the pork chops, right ladies?  It's not about the pork chops.

You're not going to get anywhere with the guys, though.  They'll be slapping you with that pork chop, all like, "baby, you like that porterhouse, don't you?"  And you'll be like, "yeah, baby, yeah."  I mean, why burst their bubble, right?  Who needs that drama?  At least you gals can fake an orgasm and get rid of 'em. 

Truth is, once you've got them telling you its half-again as big as it is, it's already too far gone.  But if you want them to buy condoms that actually fit them and don't slide right off their little thingy and have to be fished out of the froth afterwards, someone needs to make normal-size condoms in XXL-looking wrappers. 

Barring that we're going to have to add another X or two to XXL and just kind of upgrade the little guys.

It's really the least we can do.