Teasin' Ain't Pleasin'




No biggie.

Gail Collins has a hilarious op-ed about Levi Johnston in today's Times.

Poor Levi.  He's gotten back in the news by publicly apologizing to the Palins for saying things about them that "were not completely true". Well, what does that have to do with anything?  I mean, are we talking about the same Palins here?  The Death-Panel Palins? 

Whatevs.  I'll tell you this much: Levi would not be groveling his way back into the limelight if he'd showed us his junk in that Playgirl photo shoot.  But we all know why he didn't, don't we? 

 


Maybe instead of stretching the truth, Levi should
have  gotten  busy   stretching   something  else.

Those who can really walk the walk don't need to talk the talk.  And Levi's all talk.  As one blogger bitterly complained: "You can't promise us a salchicha barbecue, and then show up with half a Vienna sausage. How are people supposed to fap to that?" 

I mean, you can trace his plummet back to Alaskan obscurity directly to his Playgirl shoot.  There's some speculation Levi didn't go the full monty out of consideration for taste.  We're talking someone who had to be strapped down and sedated so they could lop off his mullet before they'd allow him out in public on the campaign trail.  All the sudden he's a paragon of good taste?

Who goes to Playgirl for the tasteful spreads anyway?  It'd be like watching Jersey Shore for fashion tips or going to The Bachelor for relationship advice.  Palin and her crew belong to the same strain of pop culture.  It's all about looking stupid and talking shit.  But if you're that dumb, you better be hung.  

Because you don't get points for being coy. 

The long and (more likely) very short of it is: Levi's cute, but he's not cute enough to not show his dick in a Playgirl photo spread and still be cute. 

Sorry Leevs.  All this teasin' just ain't that pleasin'.

Of course, you could always produce a sex-tape that proves the world wrong.  You're probably gonna want to get stretchin' first, though.
Posted by Mike Mennonno at 7/8/2010 6:59 AM
Categories: Amusements
 
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  • 7/8/2010 2:21 PM Will wrote:

    Gay man though I may be, somehow I just didn't hop aboard the Levi train. It's not that he's not my type (I have a good 17 or 19 types) but that I have never at any time gotten the slightest hint of erotic heat from him. And without that, the length of the goods is irrelevant, at least for me.

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    1. 7/8/2010 5:24 PM Mike Mennonno wrote:

      I don't disagree, Will.  I don't think he's sexy in the least. I also have lots of different physical types I can go for as long as they have that all important je ne sais quoi.  (If Levi was furry, though, he'd have shot from about a 3 to a 7 on my one-to-ten scale, gotta say.) 

      But I think the hoopla surrounding the Playgirl shoot had more to do with the "rogue" element in the Palin camp.  There was something completely outrageous about how the whole thing was playing out.

      So when he didn't bare all, it was doubly disappointing.  Not only did we not get to see a grown man naked (which even if he's not my type I'm always up for out of pure curiosity) but we witnessed one totally chickening out. 

      I like how they summed it up over at Gawker:  

      Levi did the smart thing and he forged out from his career as a professional Palin basher with his gambit posing nude Playgirl magazine. For the first time the headlines were all about him. He thought it was his way to become a star, and it very well could have been. The whole caper, which seemed like the plot for some post-modern, self-reflexive screwball comedy, was amazing. There was a small town boy who was going to come to the big city and show off his penis for a magazine that wasn't even a magazine anymore. It featured an all-star cast (all of them with porn-ready names) like Levi's lawyer, silent svengali Rex Butler; the bodyguard turned media strategist, Tank Jones; and Playgirl's colorful PR man and party promoter, Daniel Nardicio.

      We were eating this shit up. So, what happened? Two words: No. Wang. Levi put all his eggs in one basket and then was too chicken to show off the eggs or the basket. When he didn't go full-frontal in Playgirl the whole thing was revealed for what it was all along, a crass publicity stunt to get Levi to the next stage of his career. From what we know about the shoot, we have a feeling that he was initially prepared to show off the old hockey stick and pucks but with all the rabid media attention leading up to his big day in the studio, he was fooled into thinking that, if he kept it tasteful, he might be able to score another modeling job after this.

      That was Levi's big mistake. His fatal flaw was that he couldn't live up to the hype. Like a good golf swing, the thing that will keep a no-talent fameball's celebrity going is follow-through. Sure, the world would have seen his cock, but he would have been the guy that was crazy, daring, and smart enough to pose naked for a national audience. The offers would have flooded in because, apparently Levi would do anything. Now he is not defined by what he did, but what he didn't, no, wouldn't do. We hate nothing more than a quitter, and our attention shifted to someone willing to go all the way. After all, Snooki would never vibe on a guy at Bamboo, invite him home, and then not fuck him in the Jacuzzi at the last moment, now would she?


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