I have never found Brett Favre sexy, never mind sexty.  He's ruggedly handsome, no question, but there is something blah about him.  Not just blah, but blllaaaahhhh — he's not just a yawn, he's one of those YAAAAAWWWWWNNNNS.  You know what I'm talkin' about.  Like when you're bored and tired.  He's like one of those guys you look at and just shake your head and say, by rights this guy should be sexy.  Like Sting.  You almost start blaming yourself:  What's wrong with me?  Why isn't he sexy?



(Some Friends of the Blog may not agree, I understand, but I think you'll find you're in the minority.  Just look at Favre's product endorsements: Snapper, Wrangler Jeans and Sears.  An asexual trifecta.)

So I guess it should be no surprise that the dick shots he sexted to a cheerleader and a massage therapist he was stalking were so ... blah, too.  And when a picture of your dick is blah, it's bad.  Bad for you; bad for your dick.  And it gives dicks everywhere a bad name — a worse name than they already have (and "dick" is pretty bad to begin with).  And that's a shame, because there are some pretty fucking awesome ones out there, let me tell you (not braggin, but, well, you know).

The thing of it is, these guys giving the rest of us bad names have managers for every aspect of their existence.  Except this one, apparently.  There is obviously still a market for valets de chambre, especially ones who can take a decent iphone dick pic for you. 

I'm thinking of a start-up here.  But until I get it off the ground let me just toss out a few observations for professional athletes who might be tempted to jump into the shadow-world of teenage sexting without proper training.

(For those of you who have yet to see Favre's alleged penis, it's here, at the 2'09" mark [which is about the size of it, too] — familiarize yourself with it, as we will be referring to it below.)

RULE NUMBER ONE: no one wants to see what your flaccid penis looks like from your POV.  Not even you. 

Seriously. 

But especially if you're straight, don't ever just lean back, look down at Mr. Floppy and snap a candid pic, and then — heavens — send it to someone.  Stop and think first: "how would I feel if somebody sent me something like this?" 

Role-play if you have to.  Pretend you just got a sext featuring Mr. Floppy.  How does it feel?

Don't worry, it won't turn you gay to think this way.  In fact, your straight guy reaction is just the one you want in this situation.  If it was anyone else's dick, you'd be pretty skeeved, I bet.  Do you imagine your dick is the one dick that won't garner such a reaction in others, because it (oddly, when you think about it) doesn't in you?

Think about the ladies.  (And trust me, gay guys always know what the ladies like — the irony!) If you're too lazy to get it up for sexting, what does that say about you?  And if you think the ladies will be so impressed by your floppy junk that all you have to do to woo her is flop it out while you're watching SportsCenter, lean back and snap a pic, well, it says you're not thinking of the ladies, doesn't it?  What's a girl want with one of those?  What's she gonna do with it?  Never mind they're never going to see your dick from this angle.  Show them what it'll look like from where they're going to be.  Have a little consideration for their perspective on shit.  It shows you care.

You know, people act like they've never seen a dick pic before.  In this day and age.  There's long-established protocol for these things.  If you're a professional athlete and you need ideas, Footballers: check out Dallas Cowboys' tight end Martellus Bennett's or safety Mike Hamlin's nude self-pics.  Baseballers: Cleveland Indians' Grady Sizemore's. If basketball's your game: San Antonio Spurs' George Hill's or Portland Trailblazers' Greg Oden's pics can give you some guidance. Lots to choose from.

(For amateurs, there's Guys With iPhones — obviously none of this is safe for work, or the locker room.)

So.  What do you learn from perusing other professional athletes' dick shots? 

GET A MIRROR. 

Yes, that's right, bitch: cameras work when you point them at mirrors, too!  Isn't technology fucking amazing?

What's that you say? Straight-up POV dick pics aren't as "incriminating", because they're more anonymous?  TRUE, BUT THEY WON'T GET YOU LAID EITHER, BITCH.  So why not just NOT send any dick pics AT ALL?

OK.  Moving on. 

If you've got the itch and you feel you just absolutely must beam photos of your dick into the ether for all eternity, remember: unless you're a sizzling hot white boy with a porn-star name like Grady Sizemore or a hot black jock with any kind of name, even if you shoot your dick pic in a mirror, folks have by now seen so many dicks on the internet, it had better stand out.  And that means stand up.

We've been through this several times before, but I still find Jung's distinction between the penis and the phallus instructional.  Basically, Jung said: no one wants to see your icky little penis, put it away.  I am paraphrasing, of course.  It's the phallus — the "tower of power" as Auden called it in his most beloved poem — that might — MIGHT — be of interest to someone, somewhere in this context.

The hard-on is the archetypal symbol of manna.  The scrunched-up little flaccid penis is the archetypal symbol of NOTHING.  NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT.  PUT IT AWAY.  PUT IT AWAY!!!

And honestly, Favre should know better.  He's a grandfather.  If he's gonna stick his dick out there we need certain assurances, if you catch my meaning. 

At any rate, it's probably a good thing Favre didn't reveal an exquisite undercarriage.  Seeing his "tower of Power" would have required a radical reassessment.  And it's also a good thing his totally boring stalker voicemails weren't full of spicy language like Tiger Woods' were.  Favre sounds very much in them like an average guy watching SportsCenter pantless.

So aside from Wrangler, I think his endorsements are safe.
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*Mr. Favre requests that you "please use post-its, not push-pins."